The Swiss Cheese Curtain of Social Anxiety
How today's generation is responsible for their own anxiety
Quick update (Feb 24): I received some feedback that my tone was a bit too shameful and judgmental in this piece. I can definitely see this. That wasn’t my intent. Rather, I’m truly concerned about the state of our social interactions in the modern world and how we can balance our technology use with the full human experience. I warmly welcome any feedback, so always shoot me an email!
Hey friends,
Here’s what’s been on my mind lately:
I have probably walked past 1,000 college kids this week.
I have made eye contact with maybe 10 of them.
And I only exchanged 2 smiles in passing (I was smiling too).
I observed the same thing last year. I thought people weren’t friendly. I was thinking to myself, “how could you not be smiling?”
As a friend of mine once said, in college, you live an adult life with few adult responsibilities. It’s great, right?
While some people might not be friendly, I don’t think that’s the issue.
It’s more of a social issue.
The only way people used to meet was talking to strangers. As everyone is plugged in into their headphones and devices all day, it’s now possible to go about your day and not interact with a single person.
Maybe except for friends on social media. People who aren’t even in the room.
I’m not a fan of small talk or gossip, but this is different. Actually meeting people, having a conversation, listening, and learning about them.
Here’s the problem: these conversations don’t happen anymore. Younger people suck at them.
🇪🇸 Spanish Class Silence
Here’s a quick anecdote from the first week of class:
After I arrived to first day of my Spanish class, all 20 desks in a stuffy little classroom were filled.
It was dead silent.
Many kids were on their phones. My professor was preparing a few things on her computer, sitting at her desk.
Putting aside first-day nerves, you’d think people would want to talk to each other, right?
I sure did.
I knew a few people in the class. I sat near them and chatted and also introduced myself to other people around me.
We had brief conversations, but then the silence returned. At the first hint of boredom or lull in conversation, many pulled out their phones.
I was thinking to myself, aren’t these people more curious about me? Don’t they want to know what my story is and who I am?
Of course, I was too captivated by this silence and observation of others to keep the conversation moving. But on some level I was also pissed off that no-one was reciprocating, or “trying” to converse with me.
So I kept on observing the silence.
Soon enough, my professor looks up from her computer and says: “You know you guys can talk, right?”
Now the room brightens up with conversation, people start introducing themselves, and everyone is getting comfortable and shaking out those first-day nerves.
Then, silence. Once again.
Until she starts class.
I’ve experienced this in other smaller classroom settings, but not the larger lecture halls.
My guess is that in smaller classes, you’re meeting completely new people, instead of likely knowing a few others in a large lecture.
Either way, we have a problem: there is a modern barrier to a conversation and meeting people organically (more on this later).
But even with people I knew from last semester, our conversations were also brief.
The problem isn’t just in meeting others, but in conversing and connecting with the people we already know.
It’s clear that many people can’t hold a conversation. Now let’s turn to how this feeds into social anxiety.
🧀 The Swiss Cheese Curtain of Social Anxiety
For now, let’s ignore the argument that social media causes anxiety and take a different view:
Social anxiety is a byproduct of how we spend our time and attention.
Social media is now more appealing to our attention than a conversation is.
As a result, we spend significantly less time interacting with people.
Since we spend less time interacting with people, and replace that time with social media, we’re worse at conversations.
Social anxiety stems from a lack of conversations and interactions with people.
Chatting is like another muscle. Social atrophy is widespread, but you can’t really blame these college kids.
After all, phones and social media are tools that were designed to capture your attention.
And they do a damn good job. Case in point: many adults are hooked too.
Almost everyone I saw walking on campus had their headphones in or was trudging along with their head buried in their phone.
Paradoxically, kids are anxious but unintentionally create the conditions that lead to social anxiety.
How?
Always wearing headphones or being on your phone creates a barrier. A barrier that makes it harder for people to come up to you.
After all, it seems rude to disturb someone in their own world.
“Why should I interrupt them?”
I’ve thought this before. So did my Grandma.
Have you ever noticed how your grandparents always talk about the weather?
It’s just an another topic of conversation. But one day while my Grandma was in a waiting room, she told me something interesting.
Paraphrasing her, she said: “Everyone’s on their phones, so why should I even bother making a comment on the weather?”
If devices discourage real-life social interaction, why would someone use them?
Well obviously, they’re fun and are an integral part of our modern life.
But they’re also secretly addictive.
Think about the last time you experienced a small time gap between activities.
Maybe you had coffee with someone. They needed to use the bathroom, and immediately after they left the table, what did you do?
You probably picked up your phone.
We are now conditioned to check our phones at the slightest feeling of boredom.
While addictive, it’s worth pointing out that checking your phone in line is much easier than talking to someone and obtruding their little bubble of sound and color.
People are anxious, lonely, and want to connect with others, but the technological environment makes us perceive the opposite: that they don’t want to be disturbed.
This is what I call the Swiss Cheese Curtain of Social Anxiety:
There’s a curtain that you can hide behind. You put yourself in your own little world.
As Isabel in
reflected: everyone is on "Do Not Disturb" in real life (DNDIRL).But why is the curtain made of Swiss Cheese?
Because you can still glimpse into the real world. The world you’ve excluded yourself from.
But you can’t see much.
As a result, two things happen:
You’re never fully present in your own life.
You deter anyone who might have approached you.
DNDIRL creates an environment where it would be impossible to not be socially hesitant.
Even with our loved ones.
Social media is so well-designed in capturing our attention that conversations are no longer appealing. They even feel less natural.
Yet it’s what people need, more than anything else.
As writer Noah Cracknell proposed:
“The digital era prevents people from being fully present. Devices and social media applications constantly pull our attention in a million different directions. As a result, people are more digitally connected but are deprived of what they actually need. What people actually need is to be heard. Not over the phone, not on Snapchat, not in an email, but in real life.”
It’s disheartening to think that someone’s full attention feels like a gift.
If we gave as much attention to people as we did social media, how much happier would we be?
So take off your damn Airpods. Go talk to someone.
They need it, and so do you.
- BB
P.S. If you read this far, thank you! If you liked this, you might enjoy my Twitter feed, where share what’s on my mind.