Selfishness = Letting Someone Down
Why you can only be selfish in the presence of other people
A life coach once told me the most common response to freedom: “you’re being selfish.”
But what’s weird about this word is that you can’t be selfish if you’re by yourself.
Consider this thought experiment: a guy goes camping in the woods. Solo. Just him and his thoughts. For his trip, he packs walnuts, water, and Walden. During his time in nature, he only takes care of himself.
Is he selfish?
The word “selfish” only exists when we are in the presence of other people. This somehow means that being “selfish” is more about others than ourselves.
As Anthony de Mello says in Awareness:
“Part of waking up is that you live your life as you see fit. And understand: that is not selfish. The selfish thing is to demand that someone else live their life as you see fit. That’s selfish. It is not selfish to live your life as you see fit. The selfishness lies in demanding that someone else live their life to suit your tastes, or your pride, or your profit, or your pleasure.”
When someone says that you’re selfish, what they’re really saying is, “you’re not giving me what I want.” The paradox here is that they are actually selfish because they want something from you.
Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg once wrote that “Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”
So if you catch yourself calling someone selfish, first figure out, “what do I want from them?”
Odds are, you may need to recalibrate your expectations.
Related Essay
If you liked this, you’ll absolutely love this essay:
Thanks to Danny Miranda for inspiring this post.
Thanks Baxter for this essay. It’s a nice reframing of the word!